Freyja, the Vibrant and Vivacious Vanadis

I don't often talk about my relationship with Freyja, but it is there, and perhaps difficult to discuss because of its intensity.  Although I would not consider Freyja to be my Patron in receiving my primary attention, I believe I am partially Owned by Her, as She was the First.

When I was a small child, I was a weird thing, I saw "shiny people" outside, and had recurring dreams of a one-eyed old man accompanied by big black birds.  I had a picture on my bedroom wall of a blonde Jesus wearing a green robe (!) who I preferred to call Lord.  My first exposure to anything Pagan was Greek mythology in 1988-89 when a relative gave me a random Christmas present, a huge Greek mythology book for kids, with the attitude of "She's a nerd, she'll read anything."  The cogs and wheels in little Siggybrain started turning regarding whether or not these old Gods were actually still Out There.  A couple of years later I started insisting I was a Druid despite not knowing much about Celtic practice, but I would give drinks and coins to the "shiny people" outside, and feel the thrum of the energy of the land.

I found out about Wicca in 1995, and was fascinated by the magickal side of it (all of a sudden I could "make" people call me on the phone, with my mind!  Whoopeeee!... I was 15, please give me a break).  However, I did get curious about the religion after awhile, especially after The Craft came out a year later and it seemed that everyone in my peer group wanted to jump on the bandwagon of calling themselves Witches because they wore too much eye makeup.  I tried making offerings to the Greek Deities first, which didn't seem received for good or bad, and then to the Celtic Deities... nothing. I found a book on Norse mythology at the library and saw some pictures of... Odin, which gave me chills as I recognized His appearance from the one-eyed old man of my childhood dreams.  I was of the opinion that They wanted something with me, and since Odin scared me a little bit (still does, despite the fact that I have wonderful friends who are His), so I decided to go through a Goddess first, namely Freyja.

It didn't occur to me back in those days, that the Gods don't actually Talk to even the majority of people identifying as Pagan, or at least not in the form of an intense conversation. I have found the difference between this and schizophrenia (having known more than a handful of actual diagnosed schizophrenics in my time) is their voices tend to be random bursts of mumbled noise that makes no sense, which is completely different from back-and-forth dialogue in the context of religious observance.  However, to the average Asatruar there is no differentiation, and I found this out much to my dismay years later.  Anyway -- my first ritual to Freyja, I gave Her strawberries and chocolate, and nice candles, and She decided She wanted to chat me up. A lot. So I had said, "Well you're kind of like the Norse Brighid, right?" And Her smile faded into a glower and She goes, "Fuck off."

At that point in time I was still somewhat fresh from Christianity had believed that all Deities are always benevolent and should wuv you and play nice... and here's Freyja saying "fuck off". I reeled a little bit and then realized I might actually be dealing with something real, and I kind of liked Her bitchiness. I told Her as much, and Her smile returned... and then She would not leave me alone.  She took up a lot of my time with rituals and devotional practice, with prayers, and She often gave me precognitive dreams and visions of future events, from the mundane (like problems at my place of employment) to the major (dreaming about 9/11 prior to it happening).  She also used my cat as something of a medium, so my cat would hang around on Freyja's altar, cock the head like a transmission was being received, and then come rub up on me, purr, and meow like, "Moar, nao, moar, nao." When I started reading runes, the cat had this trick of swatting one out of the bag and putting it on my pillow, which proved to be an accurate augury of the day. (Wyrd, wyrd cat.)

I believe Freyja is a complex Deity.  She used magick in the war between the Vanir and Aesir, and later on taught seidhr to Odin.  The two have a mutual respect for each other (according to my UPG) based in power and cunning.  Freyja ritually mates with Her brother, Frey, at Beltaine each year to ensure the fertility of the Nine Worlds, but She feels She belongs to Odr, despite otherwise being a very sexually free Goddess.  Brisingamen is a testament of Her desirability, and I feel that it was magicked by the dwarves, and the energy of the sexual encounters shared with them, to give Her specific abilities.  Freyja has a much darker warrior face, and claims half the battle-slain in Folkvangr, including and especially women and queerfolk.  In the 21st century She seems to reach out to women who have been abused in some capacity, and teaches them some hard lessons about strength and self-worth, pulling yourself together and then being proud of who you are.  She can be flamboyantly giggly or deadly serious, but is never anything remotely resembling "boring".  Like the Chaka Khan song "I'm Every Woman", Freyja is very much a woman, all that is essentially female, from the nurturing to the fierce.

In 2003 I hit a particularly low point in my life, as I had tried to get "help" a year earlier for PTSD-related depression, and found that the "help" did more harm than good, taking away my independent living and full-time job and making me dependent on the State for my care. I was feeling increasingly despairing and like I had failed the Gods, even though I still made a point of giving offerings when I could, out of what little I had. Freyja came to me in a dream and told me She wanted to introduce me to Her brother... and I was aware Frey existed but thought of Him rather like a walking penis, and I was really hating on the menfolk so... yeah. But then I came to fall in love with Him, and the rest is history.

There is no doubt in my mind that although I feel that as I am partially Owned by Freyja and therefore She engineered the destruction of my life, She did that precisely so I could be where I am now, where She and They want me. I was asked awhile back by Frey if I regret anything that's happened to me in the process of all this, and truthfully, I have been through some very bad traumatic events that I wouldn't wish on other people. But these days I'm doing pretty good and my main concern as of late is my back. I've been quite mellow, and have found that contrary to professional opinion, my spirituality is not insanity but has contributed to increased health, well-being, and overall productivity. Doesn't mean I'm 100% improved or that I'll ever be 100% but I'm not drowning in my own tears anymore. I believe They do care about what has happened to me, and that it did hurt Them, but it was a necessary process to get where I am, and where I'm going. PTSD I may have, but They also have a strong sense of cosmic justice. If you never get anything else out of my writing, please know They care, even if They are deliberately keeping at a distance to see something through to its finish, and the scars may remain, but out of those scars you will see runes, and the working of Wyrd.

I owe Freyja a lot: She destroyed me, but She also has had Her hand in rebuilding me, and is now initiating me.  I honor Freyja, and let Her know I do, in fact, appreciate what She has done. She is Vanadis, and in the amber that is Her tears, you see the light of Her essence.

(C) 2008 Sigrun Freyskona.


Please visit my virtual shrine to Freyja!